Monday, August 24, 2009

What would it take?

To my faithful (and maybe not-so-faithful) blog know how in my "About Me" it says, "This blog...evolved into my aliyah blog. It's as-it-happens and all the frustrations and good things that happen and go along in this crazy process... I'm trying to do this uncensored and let whatever come out, come out, but I might have to change or leave out a few details and names for other people's privacy"? Well, this is the "frustration" and "uncensored and let whatever come out, come out" part of things. And names are being left out or changed. I'm sorry if this isn't what you pictured as an aliyah blog-- it's not quite what I pictured either-- but part of aliyah sometimes (often) is leaving those you love and care about, and this blog deals with all parts of aliyah. I wish I could skip over the not-fun parts, but then that wouldn't be a true reflection.

This is the first time I've come up with/against something that has seriously made me stop and think, "What would make me stay/keep me in NY?"

I've already accepted that I'm going to be leaving my parents, Lis, Andrea, Yoni, and Squishy, and my Bubby and Zaidy. My aunts and uncles and cousins, too, but I'm not as close with them and don't see them as often. I also know that at some point, I have to leave my parents' home and go out on my own-- that's the way it goes: Child is born, Parents raise Child, Child moves out to Child's own apartment or Child gets married and moves to apartment with Spouse.

What would it take to keep me here-- and how strong do I have to be to make it there?

Now I'm thinking am I strong enough to do this? I want to, and I'm committed to it-- but what's going to happen when ח"ו one of my grandparents gets sick or worse? What if something happens and normally I'd be there for my family and taking care of things? If I'm 6000 miles away, I can't do that. I can come in, but I can't drop my life there and fly over every time I would normally come home...if I was close, I could go back and forth.

What if leaving and making aliyah is the wrong choice? I know I'll never know what would have happened if I had stayed, and I know that I'm going to Israel. But I wonder.

And if you're reading this, know that I am going to Israel, and also know that I wish I could stay here-- you have no idea how much I wish I could stay (and that probably doesn't help...I'm sorry)-- and see what would have happened with us. But I can't, and you and I will both move on, eventually. You told me, "...the possibility would have seemed to be nice, but that doesn't mean that other possibilities won't be nicer. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and the reason for this could just be for the knowledge that this possibility wasn't one sided, if you can follow that. ... It's strengthening." So here's to being strong.

G-d, I hope I can make it. And succeed.

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